Hey everybody out there that bothers to read my blog when I post something new. I wanted to write this entry and dedicate it to my daughters Itty and Teeny (well not so Teeny because if you see her you'll want to know why I call her Teeny). This morning I woke up and after washing my face and doing my other morning business, I noticed a huge spider on the counter. I didn't know how long it had been there, but after calming my heart rate down, I did what any other arachnophobic does in a situation like that. I killed it and flushed it's body down the toilet. I then wondered what that disgusting creature was thinking before it met its end at the bottom of my pink Old Navy flip-flop. Was it thinking "ah another beautiful day" or "I wonder if that short chick is going to scream when she sees me"? Who knows and who cares. I'm sorry I hate spiders. Anyway I also started to think about myself. As far as I can remember I have always been a little terrified of three things: spiders, bees, and death. With spiders and bees, those fears can be dealt with. I just kill the buggers or run fast as I can to keep from being in the same room as them. However, death is one of those things that try as you might you're going to have to deal with one of these days. I know you are wondering "Why the hell are you dedicating a blog about death to your daughters? Oh no are you thinking about the end all beat all again? Do we need to call the doctor for you?" Don't panic. My depression has been under control for two years now, but I'm writing this for them because as of now, they have no concept of death and its permanence. I remember when my father and grandfather died. Itty was one year old and Camille wasn't even born yet. At that time, I told Itty that her granddad and PaPa had passed away and her response was to give me her juice cup and smile. I wish I could go back to that mentality that death was a foreign notion and that it didn't apply to me. However, you get to the age when someone dies or you see a death played out on television which leads to you saying "But I don't want to die" and someone saying "Well everybody dies" just as easily as someone saying "Everybody poops". You live the next years of your life knowing that anytime, your number can be up. After having Teeny and turning 30, the thought would keep me up nights. I would be scared that I would drop dead at home and the girls would be alone until Lovey came home and found my body. My biggest fear was leaving them alone without me. I would cry myself to sleep and sometimes wonder when and how it was going to happen. However, there was a problem with that. I didn't know and I wouldn't know and nothing in the world can stop it from happening. In fact I took a online questionnaire and based on my answers, with my lifestyle right now I can live to be 75. When I found that out something clicked in me and for the first night since April, I slept soundly. No tears and no thoughts in my head. The next morning when I woke up, I realized something. I could sit and continue to ponder my death and all that entailed until I became an invalid or I could just get off my butt and do the things I want to do and live each and everyday like it was my last. Because as I've said, death is one of those things that has to happen and since nobody has created an immortality potion as of yet, we just have to go with the eventual flow.
So what's waiting for us on the other side? Darkness? Heaven? Hell? Who knows and really do we care? Right now we should be worrying about if the world ended tomorrow could we say that our time on this earth was worth every minute? Did we do all that we set out to do and did we leave here better than we found it? That's what I want my girls to get from this blog someday when they are old enough to read it. Don't sit and ruminate on things that you can do nothing about and go out and do the things that you do have power over. As for me, right now I'm going to sit and do some research on how to drop the 100 pounds that I need to get rid of because when it's my time to go, I'm going to look damn fine.
Until next time my loves
P.S. I also created a "Keep Calm" poster that really puts things at ease for me. You never know when a Gin and Tonic might come in handy. Just sayin'.
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