Should Auld Aquaintance Be Forgot...

Tell 'Em Big Baby Sent Ya!!!

Hey there everyone. It's your girl once again. I know it's been a while but with bills getting a little OC I had to cut out some expenses, the Internet being one of them. As for how I'm online now, well I'm at Wake Medical Center because I may be having little Camille a bit earlier than expected. As with Itty my blood pressure has been increasing and my kidney function is not the best. However, I will press on as I always do and pray that me and my daughter turn out to be happy and healthy. Anyway I just could not let the new year come in without posting a little something reflecting on 2011, so here goes.

The year began alright but in March I lost my father. It's a pain that never goes away, but gets a little lighter as time goes by. In June I found out that I was pregnant again (ironically on Father's Day). In July my grandfather suffered a stroke and passed away a few weeks later in August. Then in September, I got married to the love of my life and things couldn't be better for me.

In closing out 2011, I just want to say that I hope 2012 brings everyone everything they ever wished and hoped for. As for me I hope to continue to be a great mom, a kick ass wife, a model student, and just my divalicious self.

See you all next year

A Baby Story or A Christmas Story



My Itty Bitty Princess

 Hello everyone out there. In my last post I said that I would relay the story of how my daughter Justine came into the world since I am about to have my second daughter in February. So grab a glass of whatever, sit back and enjoy my daughter's birth story.

I think we should start around the week before Thanksgiving 2009. I was taking CNA courses at Wake Tech and had passed the theory part and was about to start my clinicals so that I could take the State Certification Test. Before we went for the tour, my classmates and I were practicing taking each other's blood pressure. They loved to take my vitals because I was the only pregnant woman in the class which was sort of a good distraction from the stress of class. Anyway, when they took my vitals, my blood pressure was up. When I mean up it was around the 140s to 150s. My instructors were like you should go to your doctor, but I didn't have any symptoms like a headache or vision problems, so I said I would go after the tour of the clinical site. Well I went to the health department and they checked my BP and said go over to the hospital we're calling ahead for you. When I got there I went straight to the L&D triage and they check the baby and my vitals and ran an urinalysis. The doctor came back in and said "Well we need to keep you for a few days to see if you have pre-eclampsia. I was like Okay and make my calls to my mom and PJ. A few days later I was sent home with orders to take it easy and not to do anything strenuous including forgoing my CNA clinicals. I was also transferred to the high risk clinic were every week I had to go in for a check up. I remember my appointment was every Monday and just about every Monday I was sent over to the L&D triage and from there either I was sent home on bed rest or kept in the hospital.

Fast forward to my baby shower on Saturday December 19, 2009. I was due to give birth to Justine at the end of January 2010. PJ's mom came for the shower but because of the weather (ice and sleet) she wanted to go ahead and get back to New York. The next day we went to dinner at Olive Garden for my mom's birthday. I remember everyone sampled Moscato but me because of Justine. The next day (Monday) I went for my check up and true to form I was sent to the hospital. The doctor who sent me said that she really didn't want to because I was asymptomatic for the pre-eclampsia but her superior said to just send me over and if nothing was wrong I would be sent home. When I got to the triage room, the doctor who had ordered me to bed rest was like "You again?"  I was sent to a room. From what I understood, I was a resident of Wake Medical until the baby was ready to be born, which could mean I would be there until the end of January unless my BP could go down.

On Wednesday, December 23, 2009 I was still in the hospital and was taken to ultrasound to run tests on Justine to check her growth and development. I was starting to get depressed because no one wants to spend Christmas in a hospital. By the next day Christmas Eve I was ready to go home. I was done. My BP was still up and I was like "If they can't keep it down here, why not let me go home?" I watched the A Christmas Story marathon on TBS with PJ and we imagined if that's what our family would be like when we had Justine.

On Friday, December 25, 2009 PJ left around 5:20am to go to work. At around 6:00am the doctors came to do their rounds. I remember telling them that either they tell me what's the next step or I'm checking myself out of the hospital. The doctor assured me that she would find out what was going on and that she would be back to let me know what was going to happen next. My mom came around 10:00am and stayed for about an hour before she left to go to my grandparent's house to help with Christmas preparations. At around 11:00am the nurse came in to do the daily check on Justine. Right after she hooked me up to the machine and left, the doctor came in. She started talking about how because of my pre-eclampsia, Justine had stopped growing and that basically she was in the womb getting nothing. She summed it up with the words "today you're having your baby". I was initially shocked. It wasn't the outcome I was looking for but moments later I was excited. That little girl who had been kicking me and rolling around was finally coming into the world even though it was 6 weeks early. I first called PJ at work. If you know PJ you know that outwardly he is Mr. Calm and Collected, but he told me that inside he was ecstatic. I then called my mom and told her.

Around 3:00pm the induction preparation began. PJ was there and all I could eat was ice chips. The last thing I had to eat was a cup of chicken noodle soup. A far cry from the cheeseburger and fries I had been grubbing on. The doctor put me on Magnesium to prevent any seizures that could come with giving birth with pre-eclampsia and it made me miserable. I would be hot and then cold and then hot. PJ would fan me and cover me and hold my hand, but I just wanted to get the show on the road. Around 7:00pm the doctor examined me and saw that I was completely closed so he inserted a bulb catheter to start my cervix dilating. About 45 minutes later I felt my first contraction. It felt like an intense menstrual cramp and it lasted a few seconds. I squeezed PJ's hand and he squeezed back. The contractions were slow and I could handle them.

Around 8:30-8:45pm the doctor ran a test on Justine to see how she was doing. When the test was over he said she wasn't tolerating labor because not only was her heart rate dropping, but she wasn't moving as much as she should. In other words, we were moving to a c-section.

I signed the papers and took that medicine that tastes like the world's worst shot. I was wheeled to the operation room while PJ waited outside until he was able to come in. The nurses had me sit on the side of the OR table so that the anesthesiologist could administer the epidural. However when he put the needle in I felt a sharp pain down my right leg. He tried again and again I felt the pain. I was trying to tell him that I felt the pain in my leg, but he was being an asshole and acting like it wasn't him, I was me. I remember wanted to yell out the f-bomb, but instead I threw up on the poor nurse in front of me. I think he got the message and stopped the epidural. Later we would discover that I had scar tissue from two spinal surgeries and that's why the epidural didn't work. I heard him say, let's prep for general which meant they were knocking me out. Then I heard someone say "Who's that guy sitting out there?" I yelled that's my boyfriend and asked if anyone told him what was going on. I then heard the door open and close, so I assumed that they were going to tell him. The nurses laid me back and said "Just close your eyes and think about your beautiful baby."

The next thing I know I'm waking up in the recovery room with my mom calling out "Afton wake up. You're a mommy". I opened my eyes and saw her and asked where was PJ. She told me that he was with the baby and was coming back to see me. I asked if she cried and was told that she did. I smiled and went back to sleep. PJ then came in and said "She's so beautiful". Justine Briana was born at 11:09 pm on Christmas Night. She weighed 4 pounds and 3 ounces and had slick black hair. I remember the first time I saw her face to face. It was Saturday, December 26, 2009 in the evening. I was still loopy from all the medicine I had but the moment I saw her, everything was clear. The first thing I said was "She's teeny tiny". She looked at me with a look that said "Where have you been?" I held her and made a promise to myself that I would go to hell and back to make sure that she was safe and that nothing ever happened to her. She's the love of my life. She's the Christmas present that will keep giving and bringing joy for the rest of my life. I love you Justine Briana. This post is dedicated to you.

Love MOMMY!!

The Little Kicks

Sweet Fancy Moses!! (source)

Hi everybody! I wanted to drop by to update on what's been going on in my little corner of the world. Well I am officially a married woman. Me and PJ tied the knot on Saturday September 10th. It was so beautiful and I wish I could live the day over and over again. It was so funny because during our vows instead of saying "I Will" PJ said "I Do". He was so cute. Then I couldn't get his ring over his knuckle even though we knew it fit, so there was a little laughter during the ceremony. When we lit the unity candle, PJ couldn't move his out of the holder so I had to help him out. Finally when we were walking down the aisle, he leaned over and asked did my feet hurt and I said "Yep". He said I could tell by the look on your face. Married life is good. Everyone expects me to be like "OMG! It's the best in the world", but PJ and I feel like we've been married since Itty Bitty was born since we lived together and carried ourselves like we were married. He said that the ceremony was just squaring everything with God and the State of North Carolina.

Also I had an extra guest, our yet to be born baby girl. Yes I'm having another girl. We are naming her Camille, but I call her Itty Bitty 2. As I'm writing this I am 21 weeks pregnant and I'm starting to feel her kicking. They aren't the strong coordinated kicks yet, but I know that this is beyond the "butterflies" feeling when a baby can first be felt moving. If she's anything like her big sister, she will be kicking in full force by December. I'm due the day after Valentine's Day and I kinda hope that she is born on Valentine's Day. That way I'll have my two holiday babies since Itty Bitty was born on Christmas. My next entry will be Itty's birth story. So until then I leave you with a few pics from my wedding....

P.S. The title of my post is also the title of one of the funniest episodes of Seinfeld. All I have to say is "Elaine dancing" LOL!!

Same-Sex Marriage: Is It Really Our Business?

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Hello everyone out there in blog land. I just wanted to stop by and rant for a few moments if I could. Well first of all I got married on Saturday!! However, that's another blog for another time so bear with me. As you may know, same-sex marriage has been getting alot of coverage and momentum in the past few years. In fact you may recall that only a few months ago, New York, allowed same-sex marriage. Well of course the political bible thumping zealots out there are up in arms. My favorite claim among them is that "we are protecting marriage!" Protecting it from what? I am confident that my marriage is sound as a pound baby. We have love here and I know that's what same-sex couples have. I have friends and family who are homosexual and are in long term relationships with their partners and couldn't be happier. In fact sometimes they are happier in their relationships than their hetero counterparts. In North Carolina, the law on the books now, forbids same-sex marriages. Now they want to put it in the state's constitution to define marriage as a union of one man and one woman (eye roll). To me not only is it redundant, it's hateful. It's discriminatory. What's to say that somewhere down the line, North Carolina doesn't start back with segregation saying "Hey you multi-racial couples! We aren't going to recognize your marriage either!"
In my opinion and yes it is my opinion. It don't cost to think so I do...It's none of our damn business who marries who and who sleeps with who. I don't care! Their lives are in no way interfering with mine. They are happy. I am happy. Like I said you don't mess with my money or my family and same-sex marriage is not messing with my family. Hell it could happen in my family.
Another point I want to bring across is that when the anti-homosexual jerks had their rally today, I noticed that a majority of the ones calling for this amendment are black! Yes African-Americans. The same African-Americans who at one time were told that they could not marry outside their race. Hell we were told one time that we couldn't marry anyone anywhere. How about those apples. It's sad because some of these people are friends of mine and my family, but it breaks my heart that they can be so hateful and callous. Before you state, "Afton you're not exactly playing nice" I know my words are harsh and I do respect that they have their opinions. That's what makes this country so freakin' great. The ability to voice opinions. I just think that we need to pay attention to what's really going on in the world like unemployment, foreign relations, domestic issues (that don't have to do with what grown people are doing in their own houses), and the elimination of programs designed to help children.
I can hear the Helen Lovejoys of the world yelling "Won't someone please think about the children?" There are those who believe that homosexual relationships warp children. That is crazy! There are plenty of children of heterosexuals who are really f-ed up. I just believe in everyone being treated the same. What makes me superior to someone who is homosexual? We both bleed. We both feel. We both love. My grandmother said that if it is a sin, their day will come and it will come for everyone because we all sin and our sins are no greater than anyone elses. However while we are here on this earth, let people live and do what they feel is right. I agree 100%. The people who are playing God and judging will go to the same hell as the ones they are condemning if it is meant to be so.
In closing, do what you feel and keep both feet on the wheel. To me life is too short to worry about what consenting adults do in their own homes and lives. It's not interfering with my life so salud!
P.S. The pic is Julio and Grady on the Simpsons getting married by Homer. The episode is "There's Something About Marrying" It's the one when Patty comes out and it's one of my favorite episodes.

Keeping it real with a touch of crazy

To Keep Forever Sacred The Memory of Those We Have Loved and Lost

Hi everyone out there. I wanted to take a minute to do a quick blog post about losing those who are close to us. On August 14th, my grandfather passed away after suffering a stroke a few weeks earlier. When my mom called me and told me that he was dying, I found myself yelling the same thing I yelled when my father passed away a few months earlier. "It's not fair!" I know I must have sounded like a child to PJ, but even he agreed that it wasn't fair, while he silently wept and I loudly sobbed. I like to fancy myself a religious person, but not overzealous about the whole thing. Everyone kept telling me that I should be happy that my grandfather no longer has to suffer and that he is at peace and with God. I know I should be happy for that, but unfortunately I am still angry and sad about the whole thing. I find myself asking what kind of God would get our hopes up for his recovery, only to then take that away by my grandfather dying? I also wonder, what really happens when we die? It's a thought that permeates my brain constantly. I mean does everything go black and that's the end? Do we actually see the white light and our loved ones ready to embrace us with open arms? What about people who go to hell? Do they immediately decend into a pit of fire? Or do we all wait until Judgement Day and then that's when people are assigned to their final destinations? Or is it when we die, we die. No heaven, no hell, no reincarnation, no nothing? Death can seriously make you question these things. Also it's of note that a close friend of me and PJ just lost their baby. He was born premature and did not make it. I think it is really getting to PJ based on the fact that I'm pregnant now. I just don't know what to do or say to make things any better. I guess sometimes when things like this happen, I'm the forget about it and move on kind of person, but then again I have never lost a child. I guess when it comes to death and dying, we have to remember, but do our best to move on as well.

RIP Amy Winehouse

As I'm sure all of you know by now, Amy Winehouse passed away today at the age of 27. As many who know me know, I am a huge Amy Winehouse fan. I listen to her music all the time and I even dressed like her for Halloween one year. It is sad when such a great talent like her and others die so young, before more can be accomplished. I understand that she had her issues and her demons with her. Hell, I have mine too that I have to work through. It's just frustrating when even with everything that she did to get better and get back to the music that made her great, she still had those battles with addiction to fight and in the end she lost. There is a great significance with the age of her passing. There are tweets saying that she joined "Club 27" which is a so-called club of those who were influential in the music world who also passed away at 27. Members include Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Kurt Kobain, Jim Morrison, and I do believe there are others. In fact there is a wikipedia article about it. There are others who say "well are you really surprised"? I have to say that while dying young was one of the outcomes that could befall Amy Winehouse, it is surprising because you just wanted her to turn it around and keep making music, which I'm sure she loved more than the drugs and the booze. As I end this blog, I just want to say to Miss Winehouse where ever she is, "Thank you for the songs you gave to the world and to myself. Back to Black put my relationships with men into perspective and Frank helped me to make the decisions in life I needed to make. I love you Amy and I know that now you are at peace." On that note, I'm out but before I leave I want to dedicate this song to all of Amy's fans around the world who are grieving today...

21 Questions Hair Tag

1. Why did you start taking better care of your hair?I started taking care of my hair after having my daughter and all the post partum shedding that comes with it. I wanted hair that was healthy and long.
2. What are your 2 favorite products?Silk Elements Mega Moisturizing Treatment and Neutrogena Triple Moisture Leave-In Conditioner
3. Who's hair did you admire as a child?Aaliyah!! I used to get sew ins to look like her lol.
4. What is your ultimate goal length?APL or BSB. It used to be waist length but I'm re-evaluating that goal.
5. How are you going to celebrate when you reach it?With lots of pictures including action shots of me swinging it around.
6. Two styles you want to try at your goal length?One will definitely be a high pony tail and the other perhaps a "big" bun.
7. Which do you prefer: Health or length?
Health because without health there is no length.
8. Which do you prefer: Hair ties with no metal parts, or butterfly clips?Hair ties with no metal parts
9. What products do you prefer: salon brands, organic brands, BSS brands or drugstore brands?Drugstore brands because they are easier to get a hold of.
10. Which product/technique do you think is over-rated?
GHE. I tried it and hated it. My hair felt like I got it wet under the shower head. Never again.
11. Which product/technique do you think is under-rated? Doing things in sections like moisturizing and sealing because to me, it makes sure that I get all of my hair instead of slathering on product and hoping for the best.
12. What is your favorite part of your hair regimen?Deep conditioning. I love mixing oils and the feeling my hair gets after I rinse it out is amazing.
13. What is the most annoying part of your hair regimen?Detangling my hair. I hate it because I always get paranoid about the amount of hair that's coming out.
14. Oils or butters?Oils.
15. Bun or ponytail?Bun.
16. Wig or weave (or neither)?Both. Can I say both?
17. What is your opinion on growth aids?They can either be a friend or foe. I think that sometimes too much is put into these growth aids. I think we have to understand that they won't transform one's hair from EL to Chaka Kahn overnight. (I credit my mom for the Chaka Kahn reference)
18. What length do you consider long?I consider SL long.
19. When is the last time you've been to a salon?April 13, 2011 for a relaxer and trim. I am due back in before my wedding for my relaxer and sew-in.
20. What do you like to surf the most: youtube channels, personal blogs or hair forums?Personal blogs because I think they go more in depth about a hair journey than youtube or hair forums. Don't get me wrong I love youtube but sometimes you just want the meat of the journey without the posturing and posing that some youtubers give.
21. And finally, what piece of advice would you give to someone just starting out their hair journey?
Rome wasn't built in a day and your hair didn't grow in a day either. It takes time and work to reach your goals. If having Rapunzel hair was easy and came in a magic formula, we would all have hair to our bootys but the truth is that nothing will grow hair that long but patience, time, and a good regimen.

Heeere Comes Bridezilla!!

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Hi to everyone out there in blog land. Just wanted to stop by and talk about that mythical creature that comes out around the time of their wedding. It is the Bridezilla and well I believe that I am starting to turn into one. Yesterday I had a meeting with my planner, my mother, and Lovey. Well I can tell you there were tears and they won't coming from Itty Bitty. I don't know what is coming over me, but I swear I just want everything to be done with. I am stressing because crazy me I walked into this wedding planning without a set budget. I guess I never set one because 1. I'm not working at the moment and I am using my unemployment as well as student loan funds to pay for the wedding and 2. I am counting on my family to kind of come through on some financing as well. It also doesn't help that I am pregnant. Yep I'll be walking down the aisle with a bun in the oven. At first I was worried about what people would think, but screw 'em. I'm almost 30 and I already have one baby. It was bound to happen I guess. Anyway, the one thing that I am really being a bridezilla about is the decor for the ceremony and the reception. I don't like anything chintzy looking and cheap and I'm afraid that if I cut back on it then that's what it will become. I find myself kicking my butt all over Raleigh because me and Lovey planned on eloping, but I wanted a wedding where my family could see me walk down the aisle. My mom and my dad got married in Dillon, SC at a small chapel without family watching and my grandmother is counting on me to be the one that walks down the aisle. My brother is one of those guys that if he gets married it will be a huge surprise, so it falls to me. I know that the day will be beautiful and nothing matters except for me and Lovey, but the perfectionist in me has visions of a made for tv wedding dancing in my head. Well nothing to do now but wrap up the final details and wait for September 10th to roll around. Until next time ladies and gents...

I'm Baaaaack!!! (A Little Narcisictic, But...)

Hi everyone out there. Just thought that I would post a little something for those who are like "where has this girl been for the past one or two months"? Well I am still here but I have some news. Well for those who don't know I am going to be a mommy again. So maybe I should change the name of my blog to "Tales of a Twenty-Something Mommy v 2.0" lol. I found out on Father's Day and the pregnancy is still early and I go for my lab work on Monday so hopefully everything will turn out fine. As far as school goes, I am back in the swing of things for now, but as you know procrastination is a beeyotch sometimes. Especially when you have a toddler that wants your undivided attention. As for the wedding, I am getting down to the wire and I think that my bridezilla is kicking in. I just want things my way because 1. the things I want I am paying for and 2. it's me and PJ's day and in the end, it's us who should be happy with the results. I know some people are not going to be happy with that, but well they'll get over it and if not then I don't know what to tell them. As for my hair journey, it's a process I'll tell you that. I think that after my wedding I am going to transition to natural. As for how long the transistion will be, I don't know. Maybe long term, maybe not, but it's something that I am deeply contemplating. Part of me wants to do it, so that I can better identify with my daughter and her natural hair. It's so pretty but the coils and curls are tight so shrinkage is the name of the game with her hair. I think that if I can understand my hair in its natural state, then it will transfer over to her hair.
Well that's everything for now. I will be back when I can with more musings on life and what not and if there is anything you would like to know, feel free to let me know.

I've Been Banned!!!!

Hi out there! I know from the title you're wondering "WTF?!?!". What I mean is that my fiance has banned me from commenting on news stories or anything that gets me worked up. He said that I am too invested emotionally in these message boards and that I should just read the story and move on instead of commenting and getting into sparring matches with people who are going to be ignorant regardless of what I say. I hate to admit it but he's right. One case in particular. There was a blog on a hairsite (not going to name names), but there was alot of back and forth regarding religion and the celebration of holidays. The tone of the blog was that the author was right and the rest of us were wrong and there was no if, ands, or buts about it. Well I got so upset to the point that I could feel my BP rising and my head started hurting. Finally I agreed to disagree and left the discussion alone. Then I was on a local news website and there was discussion about the recent tornados that came through NC. Some of the victims of this natural disaster were still in temporary housing and some of the commenters were ranting and raving about one of the victims being pregnant and unmarried. Well that got me started again because to me the real issue was that the young lady was African-American. It just boggles my mind that ever since Barack Obama became president, folks have lost their minds. The disgusting level of disrespect towards this man just stuns me. When I was in college, I was a member of the College Democrats and while I disagreed with President Bush's policies, I still had respect for the man and the office he held. It is no easy task being president because you have to please everyone knowing that it is not possible, but these people today (Birthers, Tea Party, Donald Trump, Sarah Palin) are just out for blood for no good reason except the president is Black and he's going to do everything he can to make it hard for us (whites). I'm sorry but that's my opinion. What is really silly to me is that if these people took 5th grade Social Studies, they would know that due to the lovely thing that is called checks and balances, President Obama can't do more than what Congress allows and that Congress can't do any more than what the Courts will allow, and on goes this thing of theirs. Well I spent enough time ranting. On a more positive note, my bridesmaids got their dresses and they are beautiful. I also ordered my niece's flowergirl dress and it is beyond cute. So I have my days when I am excited for the wedding and my days when I dread it, but I know when the day comes I will be happy no matter what. Well that's it for me. Until next time.......

Get Off Your Ass and Help Me!!!

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I am so pissed off right now. I have alot going on with planning my wedding and going to school and raising my daughter. I might as well add working to that list since I start training for a job on Monday. With all that you think that my fiancee would at least help with planning this wedding, but noooooooo (in my John Belushi voice). He'd rather give me excuses for why he can't. I am trying my damnedest to get these save the date cards out. Has he volunteered to buy the inserts for them? No. Has he taken the initiative to go and get addresses for the cards to be sent out? No. When I ask for help, he's all like "I'm tired or I don't know what to do." I'm sick of it. This is what I'm marrying? I am starting to have second thoughts about this whole marriage, if whenever I need him to help me with something, all I get is complaining. I can't deal with this much longer. I'm about to speak my mind and I don't think he wants me to start speaking my mind...

Fast Don't Lie

Hey everyone. Nothing much going on in my little corner of the world, but I have had this song on my mind all day so I thought I would share it with you. It has my imaginary BF Dwight Howard in it as well as new MVP Derrick Rose and don't forget your boy from the Hangover and Hangover 2 (I can't wait to see that movie when it comes out). Anyways here is is...

I'm A Little Better Now

Hi everyone. I wanted to come back with another post as kind of a epilogue to the previous post. I don't believe that I am a failure. If I was, I would not have a family who loves me, a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me, or a daughter who when she looks at me, has the most adoration for me. I also don't believe that God would allow for any of his children to fail without learning a lesson behind it. So as far as the job track goes, I will continue to apply for jobs that I feel are suitable and if I don't get it fine and if I do, hell that's great. As far as school goes, I learned my lesson. I learned that I have to manage my time better in order to succeed. How do I expect to do well in law school if I can't even handle an online course. My grandparents have offered to watch Itty on days that I have things to do. I need to start taking them up on the offer. I goes back to when I was in therapy and I didn't want to feel like a burden on other people. My therapist said that some people don't see it as being a burden, but something that is welcome into their lives. He said that the whole child care thing is what is burdensome, to me. He said that sometimes I'm the one that's the burden to myself and that I have to care for myself first sometimes. So that's that for my life. On to what I really wanted this blog to be about...

I have so far been doing good on my hair journey. I joined the Summer Semester of the Long Hair Academy and even though it is definitely a challenge (no trims, water, vitamins, ect...) I have so far been a good girl. The only thing I've done is used my relaxer pass and the next time I plan to relax will be before my wedding in September when I plan on getting a sew-in.

Speaking of wededing, we have 134 days to go until the big day!!!! I was telling my mom that I should do a social media blitz with the wedding planning and the actual wedding like Prince William and Kate did with their wedding. (Side Note: I did not watch the wedding because I don't get up at 4:00am unless I have to) I have picked out my shoes and next Saturday I am going with my bridesmaids to get their dresses. I am so excited. I wish I could get married tomorrow.

Well that's all I can think of now. I'll be blogging and talk to ya later!!

I'm A Huge Frickin' Failure

I have to get somethings off my chest and where better to do it than in my blog. I am a huge failure. There I said it. I'm a gigantic failure. I can't do anything right and it's my own fucking fault. I don't have a job, my unemployment gave out, I'm failing out of my third graduate school, my plans for my wedding are slipping through my fingers, I only have $0.74 to my name. I am a huge failure. Where did it all go wrong. I had the world by the balls when I was working for the prison. I had my own place, my car, anything I wanted. I had that damn breakdown and didn't want to go back to working at the prison, so I took a job in customer service that ended up being a bunch of bullshit and they laid me off when I couldn't give them a reason to fire me. Since then I haven't been able to find any kind of job (that is worth a damn). Then crazy me I get knocked up, so now I have to struggle to provide for my daughter (which is the only reason I haven't offed myself). I wish those pills I took when I tried to kill myself worked. What is my purpose here? I have nothing to show for my life. I am in a deep depression. I just keep asking myself, "What's next?" I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, the final nail in the coffin. I am about to fail in yet another graduate program. What the hell am I doing? I don't want to apply to law school because I know they're going to say no. What's the point of hearing "NO" so many times. When I vent this to family and friends all I hear is "pray about it" "leave it to God". Well God stopped listening to me. I wish he would just do away with me instead of leaving me here miserable. I give up. This may be my last blog. I want a bottle of bourbon and a handgun so I can be done with it. It's over.

Tempura, Wine, Lemon Cheesecake Bars, and My Man. What Else Can A Girl Ask For?

Tonight for dinner me and Lovey are having tempura that we made before using Alton Brown's recipe from Good Eats (love that show). To go with it we are having a 2009 Sauvignon Blanc and for dessert I am making Lemon Cheesecake Bars. I don't know what it is about cooking with Lovey that I enjoy so much. It's so cool because when we cook we use our secret language that only we can understand. Basically we can have conversations using quotes from movies and The Sopranos (silly I know). It is also the only time when we forget the world and pretend that we are still dating without kids even though Itty is sleeping upstairs. Tomorrow he is taking me out to Bonefish Grill for a early dinner date. I think that is the secret to long lasting love between us. We share the same interests and we make time for ourselves to do things. I think that I will make a video of us cooking and also post some pics when all is said and done.

160 Days To Go Until I'm Married!!!

Well I have 160 more days to go until I get married and I'm freaking out. I have to send out save the date cards and finish paying for things for the wedding. I also have to cut back on a few things that I planned on getting. It really sucks to plan a wedding and not have a job to pay for it, but I'm doing the best I can with what I have. Other than that I'm really excited to get married to someone who I feel is my best friend in the world. I also have to complete two master's level classes in order to keep my GPA up and get my financial aid which is what I am counting on to help pay for the wedding as well. I also have some weight to lose so that I can look awesome on our honeymoon to the Bahamas. There is just so much to do to prepare for a wedding. So if anyone is thinking about it, make sure you decide if you want to do it yourself or hire a planner. I have someone helping me but I'm doing the leg work which is very overwhelming if you don't have a good beat on things. Well I must go. I have an office memo assignment waiting for me.

My Dad Passed Away Last Sunday, March 13, 2011

Hello everyone. I know that I was supposed to blog more often, but as the title of this blog indicates, I have been unable to do so. In my last blog I talked about how he was diagnosed with brain cancer but that he was taking his chemo and radiation treatments. Well last Sunday, he woke up to fix himself something to eat and during that time, he collapsed and had a seizure. My aunt called the EMT's and when the got there, he had gone into cardiac arrest. They tried to stabilize and revive him for 45 minutes, but there was nothing they could do. They called his time of death at 9:23 am. My mom was the one to tell me. She came to my house at around 10:00 am. Lovey answered the door and then he came upstairs and got me. When she told me I wanted to scream. In fact I did. I wanted for someone to tell me that it was a bad joke and that my dad was okay, but I knew that would not happen. His funeral was Friday, March 18, 2011. I decided to have him cremated because I couldn't afford to have him buried. Also my mom and aunt assured me that what was being cremated was a shell of my father, that his spirit had passed on. The service broke my heart even more. He was a veteran, so I received the flag that they normally drape over the casket. When the soldier brought it to me, I broke down. I guess it finally hit me. My father is dead. I will never see him again. So here it is Sunday, March 20, 2011 and it is a week since my dad died. I'm still hurting, but my grandmother said that even though I am hurting, I can't let that hurt take me away from my daughter and my family. That my father would not want me that way. I just wish I had the chance to say good-bye to him and tell him one last time that I loved him. I guess I have the chance to do that everyday now. I have his ashes. They are in an urn on my picture windowsill.
With everything that has happened, now I question my own mortality. My daughter's. My fiance's. Basically everyone in my family. It's not death that scares me. It's the when and the how. I know everyone has to die sometime. I've made my peace with that somehow. But I'm afraid that when I lay my head on my pillow, that it will be the last time I draw breath on this earth. It consumes my thoughts and I just want things to be back to normal. However, normal would mean that my father is still alive. I just want things to make sense again. That's all I want.

Seriously Dude?!?!?!?!?

Well just a few minutes ago I was going to fix a sandwich with some Lay's that we bought last night. Well while gathering my lunch supplies, I saw that Lovey (and I use that pet name for now) took the whole bag of Lay's to work this morning (jerk)! I mean really? Dude? The whole bag? So naturally I am ever so pissed right now, but it's okay because he's cooking chicken tonight and I am going to eat every piece I can. Is it petty? Yes. Do I need to get over it? Yes. But hey fair is fair. Right now I am waiting for my pan pizza from Pizza Hut and I got Itty cheese sticks so everybody is happy. Well just had to vent that out. Toodles....

Baby Has A Boo-Boo

Hi everyone. I know it's been a minute but I'm back and I vow to blog at least once a week when I have free time. Well as the title says Justine has a boo-boo. It is right below her left eye and she got it yesterday while playing at my mom's house. We were in the living room and Justine was running around when she tripped over my mom's computer chair and fell, hitting her face on the leg of the chair. She started crying and me and my mom rushed over to her. She's fine but there is a little scratch below her eye. Today when we went to Target to get my dad's medicine and some other items, another little girl was with her mom and when she saw Justine she pointed and said "Mommy boo-boo". Her mom understood because the same thing happened to her daughter when she was Justine's age too. So sigh of relief, no one thinks that I had something to do with it. I just know that now me and Lovey have to be vigilant when we are playing with Justine to make sure that she doesn't hurt herself too severely. Other than that Justine is just fine. She is growing like a weed and now she is starting to hold conversations with people. Of course no one knows what she's saying but it's fun to decipher it and talk back to her.

In wedding news, I got the save the dates, so now I have to address them and send them out. Ugh! I don't wanna (kicking and pouting). They are pretty, but man the work that is going into fixing these things. Also, we're having a bar at the reception after all due to the fact that our food and drink minimum is...wait for it...$6,000.00 before taxes and fees so I hope everyone is in a drinking mood to help us reach our goal. So me and Lovey got what we wanted. He gets his chocolate fountain and I get my booze. Everybody's happy.

In case you didn't know my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer before Christmas. Well he is doing fine. He is still going to radiation treatments and is still taking his chemo pills. In fact my little brother stayed the weekend with him. He's five. Yes I am 23 years older than my youngest brother.

In hair news, I hate my hair. It is starting to shed and break like crazy, but I'm not going to give up. I just know that a hard protein treatment is in order. Also I know that I have to lay off the excessive heat which I have been using a little too much lately. Rollersets and no heat styles only until my hair is back to its healthy state. Well that's it. I will leave you with pics of my princess and my save the date cards.

<3 until next time,
Afton

Roller Set: The Results!!!!

Hello everyone. I just wanted to show pics of my results from my rollerset and bask in my beauty (a little concieted I know). Anyway, below are the steps I used and the pics of the results. Enjoy!!!

Pre-poo'd with Honey and EVOO
Wash with CON Moisturizing Shampoo
Protein Treatment with Nexxus Emergencee for 15 minutes
DC with a mix of SE Moisturizing Treatment, Aphogee 2-min Reconstructor, and PPO
Leave-In with NTM Leave-In Conditioner
Rolller Set hair with Grey and Purple rollers
M/S with NTM Leave-In and EVCO
Pin Curled Hair overnight
Used Argan Oil from Sally's on ends when I took curls out the next morning

New Page Name!!! Whooo-Hooooo!!!!

Hello everyone. Just a heads up that now you can access my blog by going to http://www.hotrdumommy.com! Yay! I am so excited. There are so many things I want to start doing in the future including YouTube videos. The only thing is I'm not the tutorial kinda girl but we will see how this thing can get moving. In the meantime continue to follow me as I make my way through this crazy thing I call my life.