I'm A Little Better Now

Hi everyone. I wanted to come back with another post as kind of a epilogue to the previous post. I don't believe that I am a failure. If I was, I would not have a family who loves me, a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me, or a daughter who when she looks at me, has the most adoration for me. I also don't believe that God would allow for any of his children to fail without learning a lesson behind it. So as far as the job track goes, I will continue to apply for jobs that I feel are suitable and if I don't get it fine and if I do, hell that's great. As far as school goes, I learned my lesson. I learned that I have to manage my time better in order to succeed. How do I expect to do well in law school if I can't even handle an online course. My grandparents have offered to watch Itty on days that I have things to do. I need to start taking them up on the offer. I goes back to when I was in therapy and I didn't want to feel like a burden on other people. My therapist said that some people don't see it as being a burden, but something that is welcome into their lives. He said that the whole child care thing is what is burdensome, to me. He said that sometimes I'm the one that's the burden to myself and that I have to care for myself first sometimes. So that's that for my life. On to what I really wanted this blog to be about...

I have so far been doing good on my hair journey. I joined the Summer Semester of the Long Hair Academy and even though it is definitely a challenge (no trims, water, vitamins, ect...) I have so far been a good girl. The only thing I've done is used my relaxer pass and the next time I plan to relax will be before my wedding in September when I plan on getting a sew-in.

Speaking of wededing, we have 134 days to go until the big day!!!! I was telling my mom that I should do a social media blitz with the wedding planning and the actual wedding like Prince William and Kate did with their wedding. (Side Note: I did not watch the wedding because I don't get up at 4:00am unless I have to) I have picked out my shoes and next Saturday I am going with my bridesmaids to get their dresses. I am so excited. I wish I could get married tomorrow.

Well that's all I can think of now. I'll be blogging and talk to ya later!!

I'm A Huge Frickin' Failure

I have to get somethings off my chest and where better to do it than in my blog. I am a huge failure. There I said it. I'm a gigantic failure. I can't do anything right and it's my own fucking fault. I don't have a job, my unemployment gave out, I'm failing out of my third graduate school, my plans for my wedding are slipping through my fingers, I only have $0.74 to my name. I am a huge failure. Where did it all go wrong. I had the world by the balls when I was working for the prison. I had my own place, my car, anything I wanted. I had that damn breakdown and didn't want to go back to working at the prison, so I took a job in customer service that ended up being a bunch of bullshit and they laid me off when I couldn't give them a reason to fire me. Since then I haven't been able to find any kind of job (that is worth a damn). Then crazy me I get knocked up, so now I have to struggle to provide for my daughter (which is the only reason I haven't offed myself). I wish those pills I took when I tried to kill myself worked. What is my purpose here? I have nothing to show for my life. I am in a deep depression. I just keep asking myself, "What's next?" I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, the final nail in the coffin. I am about to fail in yet another graduate program. What the hell am I doing? I don't want to apply to law school because I know they're going to say no. What's the point of hearing "NO" so many times. When I vent this to family and friends all I hear is "pray about it" "leave it to God". Well God stopped listening to me. I wish he would just do away with me instead of leaving me here miserable. I give up. This may be my last blog. I want a bottle of bourbon and a handgun so I can be done with it. It's over.

Tempura, Wine, Lemon Cheesecake Bars, and My Man. What Else Can A Girl Ask For?

Tonight for dinner me and Lovey are having tempura that we made before using Alton Brown's recipe from Good Eats (love that show). To go with it we are having a 2009 Sauvignon Blanc and for dessert I am making Lemon Cheesecake Bars. I don't know what it is about cooking with Lovey that I enjoy so much. It's so cool because when we cook we use our secret language that only we can understand. Basically we can have conversations using quotes from movies and The Sopranos (silly I know). It is also the only time when we forget the world and pretend that we are still dating without kids even though Itty is sleeping upstairs. Tomorrow he is taking me out to Bonefish Grill for a early dinner date. I think that is the secret to long lasting love between us. We share the same interests and we make time for ourselves to do things. I think that I will make a video of us cooking and also post some pics when all is said and done.

160 Days To Go Until I'm Married!!!

Well I have 160 more days to go until I get married and I'm freaking out. I have to send out save the date cards and finish paying for things for the wedding. I also have to cut back on a few things that I planned on getting. It really sucks to plan a wedding and not have a job to pay for it, but I'm doing the best I can with what I have. Other than that I'm really excited to get married to someone who I feel is my best friend in the world. I also have to complete two master's level classes in order to keep my GPA up and get my financial aid which is what I am counting on to help pay for the wedding as well. I also have some weight to lose so that I can look awesome on our honeymoon to the Bahamas. There is just so much to do to prepare for a wedding. So if anyone is thinking about it, make sure you decide if you want to do it yourself or hire a planner. I have someone helping me but I'm doing the leg work which is very overwhelming if you don't have a good beat on things. Well I must go. I have an office memo assignment waiting for me.