I'm A Little Better Now

Hi everyone. I wanted to come back with another post as kind of a epilogue to the previous post. I don't believe that I am a failure. If I was, I would not have a family who loves me, a man who wants to spend the rest of his life with me, or a daughter who when she looks at me, has the most adoration for me. I also don't believe that God would allow for any of his children to fail without learning a lesson behind it. So as far as the job track goes, I will continue to apply for jobs that I feel are suitable and if I don't get it fine and if I do, hell that's great. As far as school goes, I learned my lesson. I learned that I have to manage my time better in order to succeed. How do I expect to do well in law school if I can't even handle an online course. My grandparents have offered to watch Itty on days that I have things to do. I need to start taking them up on the offer. I goes back to when I was in therapy and I didn't want to feel like a burden on other people. My therapist said that some people don't see it as being a burden, but something that is welcome into their lives. He said that the whole child care thing is what is burdensome, to me. He said that sometimes I'm the one that's the burden to myself and that I have to care for myself first sometimes. So that's that for my life. On to what I really wanted this blog to be about...

I have so far been doing good on my hair journey. I joined the Summer Semester of the Long Hair Academy and even though it is definitely a challenge (no trims, water, vitamins, ect...) I have so far been a good girl. The only thing I've done is used my relaxer pass and the next time I plan to relax will be before my wedding in September when I plan on getting a sew-in.

Speaking of wededing, we have 134 days to go until the big day!!!! I was telling my mom that I should do a social media blitz with the wedding planning and the actual wedding like Prince William and Kate did with their wedding. (Side Note: I did not watch the wedding because I don't get up at 4:00am unless I have to) I have picked out my shoes and next Saturday I am going with my bridesmaids to get their dresses. I am so excited. I wish I could get married tomorrow.

Well that's all I can think of now. I'll be blogging and talk to ya later!!

I'm A Huge Frickin' Failure

I have to get somethings off my chest and where better to do it than in my blog. I am a huge failure. There I said it. I'm a gigantic failure. I can't do anything right and it's my own fucking fault. I don't have a job, my unemployment gave out, I'm failing out of my third graduate school, my plans for my wedding are slipping through my fingers, I only have $0.74 to my name. I am a huge failure. Where did it all go wrong. I had the world by the balls when I was working for the prison. I had my own place, my car, anything I wanted. I had that damn breakdown and didn't want to go back to working at the prison, so I took a job in customer service that ended up being a bunch of bullshit and they laid me off when I couldn't give them a reason to fire me. Since then I haven't been able to find any kind of job (that is worth a damn). Then crazy me I get knocked up, so now I have to struggle to provide for my daughter (which is the only reason I haven't offed myself). I wish those pills I took when I tried to kill myself worked. What is my purpose here? I have nothing to show for my life. I am in a deep depression. I just keep asking myself, "What's next?" I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, the final nail in the coffin. I am about to fail in yet another graduate program. What the hell am I doing? I don't want to apply to law school because I know they're going to say no. What's the point of hearing "NO" so many times. When I vent this to family and friends all I hear is "pray about it" "leave it to God". Well God stopped listening to me. I wish he would just do away with me instead of leaving me here miserable. I give up. This may be my last blog. I want a bottle of bourbon and a handgun so I can be done with it. It's over.

Tempura, Wine, Lemon Cheesecake Bars, and My Man. What Else Can A Girl Ask For?

Tonight for dinner me and Lovey are having tempura that we made before using Alton Brown's recipe from Good Eats (love that show). To go with it we are having a 2009 Sauvignon Blanc and for dessert I am making Lemon Cheesecake Bars. I don't know what it is about cooking with Lovey that I enjoy so much. It's so cool because when we cook we use our secret language that only we can understand. Basically we can have conversations using quotes from movies and The Sopranos (silly I know). It is also the only time when we forget the world and pretend that we are still dating without kids even though Itty is sleeping upstairs. Tomorrow he is taking me out to Bonefish Grill for a early dinner date. I think that is the secret to long lasting love between us. We share the same interests and we make time for ourselves to do things. I think that I will make a video of us cooking and also post some pics when all is said and done.

160 Days To Go Until I'm Married!!!

Well I have 160 more days to go until I get married and I'm freaking out. I have to send out save the date cards and finish paying for things for the wedding. I also have to cut back on a few things that I planned on getting. It really sucks to plan a wedding and not have a job to pay for it, but I'm doing the best I can with what I have. Other than that I'm really excited to get married to someone who I feel is my best friend in the world. I also have to complete two master's level classes in order to keep my GPA up and get my financial aid which is what I am counting on to help pay for the wedding as well. I also have some weight to lose so that I can look awesome on our honeymoon to the Bahamas. There is just so much to do to prepare for a wedding. So if anyone is thinking about it, make sure you decide if you want to do it yourself or hire a planner. I have someone helping me but I'm doing the leg work which is very overwhelming if you don't have a good beat on things. Well I must go. I have an office memo assignment waiting for me.

My Dad Passed Away Last Sunday, March 13, 2011

Hello everyone. I know that I was supposed to blog more often, but as the title of this blog indicates, I have been unable to do so. In my last blog I talked about how he was diagnosed with brain cancer but that he was taking his chemo and radiation treatments. Well last Sunday, he woke up to fix himself something to eat and during that time, he collapsed and had a seizure. My aunt called the EMT's and when the got there, he had gone into cardiac arrest. They tried to stabilize and revive him for 45 minutes, but there was nothing they could do. They called his time of death at 9:23 am. My mom was the one to tell me. She came to my house at around 10:00 am. Lovey answered the door and then he came upstairs and got me. When she told me I wanted to scream. In fact I did. I wanted for someone to tell me that it was a bad joke and that my dad was okay, but I knew that would not happen. His funeral was Friday, March 18, 2011. I decided to have him cremated because I couldn't afford to have him buried. Also my mom and aunt assured me that what was being cremated was a shell of my father, that his spirit had passed on. The service broke my heart even more. He was a veteran, so I received the flag that they normally drape over the casket. When the soldier brought it to me, I broke down. I guess it finally hit me. My father is dead. I will never see him again. So here it is Sunday, March 20, 2011 and it is a week since my dad died. I'm still hurting, but my grandmother said that even though I am hurting, I can't let that hurt take me away from my daughter and my family. That my father would not want me that way. I just wish I had the chance to say good-bye to him and tell him one last time that I loved him. I guess I have the chance to do that everyday now. I have his ashes. They are in an urn on my picture windowsill.
With everything that has happened, now I question my own mortality. My daughter's. My fiance's. Basically everyone in my family. It's not death that scares me. It's the when and the how. I know everyone has to die sometime. I've made my peace with that somehow. But I'm afraid that when I lay my head on my pillow, that it will be the last time I draw breath on this earth. It consumes my thoughts and I just want things to be back to normal. However, normal would mean that my father is still alive. I just want things to make sense again. That's all I want.

Seriously Dude?!?!?!?!?

Well just a few minutes ago I was going to fix a sandwich with some Lay's that we bought last night. Well while gathering my lunch supplies, I saw that Lovey (and I use that pet name for now) took the whole bag of Lay's to work this morning (jerk)! I mean really? Dude? The whole bag? So naturally I am ever so pissed right now, but it's okay because he's cooking chicken tonight and I am going to eat every piece I can. Is it petty? Yes. Do I need to get over it? Yes. But hey fair is fair. Right now I am waiting for my pan pizza from Pizza Hut and I got Itty cheese sticks so everybody is happy. Well just had to vent that out. Toodles....

Baby Has A Boo-Boo

Hi everyone. I know it's been a minute but I'm back and I vow to blog at least once a week when I have free time. Well as the title says Justine has a boo-boo. It is right below her left eye and she got it yesterday while playing at my mom's house. We were in the living room and Justine was running around when she tripped over my mom's computer chair and fell, hitting her face on the leg of the chair. She started crying and me and my mom rushed over to her. She's fine but there is a little scratch below her eye. Today when we went to Target to get my dad's medicine and some other items, another little girl was with her mom and when she saw Justine she pointed and said "Mommy boo-boo". Her mom understood because the same thing happened to her daughter when she was Justine's age too. So sigh of relief, no one thinks that I had something to do with it. I just know that now me and Lovey have to be vigilant when we are playing with Justine to make sure that she doesn't hurt herself too severely. Other than that Justine is just fine. She is growing like a weed and now she is starting to hold conversations with people. Of course no one knows what she's saying but it's fun to decipher it and talk back to her.

In wedding news, I got the save the dates, so now I have to address them and send them out. Ugh! I don't wanna (kicking and pouting). They are pretty, but man the work that is going into fixing these things. Also, we're having a bar at the reception after all due to the fact that our food and drink minimum is...wait for it...$6,000.00 before taxes and fees so I hope everyone is in a drinking mood to help us reach our goal. So me and Lovey got what we wanted. He gets his chocolate fountain and I get my booze. Everybody's happy.

In case you didn't know my dad was diagnosed with brain cancer before Christmas. Well he is doing fine. He is still going to radiation treatments and is still taking his chemo pills. In fact my little brother stayed the weekend with him. He's five. Yes I am 23 years older than my youngest brother.

In hair news, I hate my hair. It is starting to shed and break like crazy, but I'm not going to give up. I just know that a hard protein treatment is in order. Also I know that I have to lay off the excessive heat which I have been using a little too much lately. Rollersets and no heat styles only until my hair is back to its healthy state. Well that's it. I will leave you with pics of my princess and my save the date cards.

<3 until next time,
Afton